the thing about jealousy

This awesum author-slash-actress came to our school today. she's one of the authors of a book of short story collection called "Growing Up Asian In Australia". as the title suggest it's basically a book about people who grow up as an Asian, in Australia. Us year twelve use this book as our resource for the context part of our ESL exam. It's basically our text book. I mentioned this book on my earlier post. you could probably guess i really like this book, and I think whoever came up with the idea of having this book as a resource for our exam, is a genius.

The story this person wrote is titled "5 Ways to Disappoint Your Vietnamese Mother". From the title you could guess what it's about. It practically become on of the favourites through out the year level. I mean, in a school where 90% of the population are Asian and most of them are Vietnamese, I guess it can't be hard for my classmates to feel related to this particular story. Especially since the exams are coming and they are facing pressures from all sorts of direction, probably including their parents. so yeah, this story is pretty popular. Personally it's not my ultimate favourite since I can't really compare it to my story. My mum is my closest human relationship. thankfully I haven't disappoint her so far. She's not the type of person who gets disappoint easily. She would never ask more of what I can become. yep I'm lucky that way ;). However, as any other readers, I can be sympathetic to the author's point of view and admire how she could stand up to her own opinion and manage to be who she wants to be despite the lack of support from her mother. all together it's a good story.

The school organise this person to come to our school to talk to us. I was excited. finally the school actually organise something that does not have anything to do with SAC's or exams. well not directly anyway. So I was looking forward to it. According to the letter they give to us, the whole event starts at 3:30. I came at 3:26. I was late. go figure. so it wasn't a glorious start. I hate being late. over all it was pretty good. She was a great person. She talked more about her life, what happened before and after the story that she wrote. How her relationship with her mother changed. How she describe her identity and other stuff. I always find people's story interesting. however near the end of the event I feel strangely unsatisfied. I can't understand why. I mean theoretically I shouldn't feel like that. I got what I wanted; a school event that doesn't have anything to do with SAC's or exam which let us relax for a short period of time. And it's not like it's boring or anything. It was really entertaining. She did a bit of acting which was really enjoyable to watch. However I feel like there is something wrong with me. There is something I don't like. I come out of the theatre feeling sort of empty-ish and sad. it was confusing. so I did what I usually do when I'm confuse: I make a list of possible reason why I might feel a bit upset:

1. I was tired. it was friday and I had a really really busy week
2. I still feel annoyed that I come in late, and that somehow affect me through out the event.
3. the author is really different to what I expected from reading her story. maybe I was dissapointed.
4. ...... maybe I secretly wish my cousin was here, since her story is similar and maybe she can learn a lot from this event, and I feel disappointed that she can't... 

okaaay so the last one is waay too far fetched. but hey I was considering all possibilities. but then it dawned on me. I was jealous. everything then make sense. I was simply jealous. This person is able to overcome the problems of her life and then she can SHARE it with everyone. This stranger stood in front of the theatre talking about...herself. she was talking about her personal life, her family, her history, her opinions, and every one was listening, everyone was interested. And she's not some sort of special person who saved the world. She's just talking about how she had learned how to be herself.

okay I realise this makes me look like an arrogant brat who needs attention. well I guess I am. hey I'm human too. but sometimes it seems that nobody cared that much about my story. maybe it's just not interesting enough. people just don't care about my opinions. There was this guy who usually have contradicting ideas with me. we fight all the time. we're sort of in a friend-enemy terms. One thing I find him annoying is that he doesn't listen to me (well maybe I don't listen to him as well but that's not the point). every time we argue, I feel he's just arguing for the sake of arguing. he doesn't consider my opinion. he just like to yell at me. Even though I think he admires me for my very good english (thaat's right B)) and the fact that I don't back down from an argument like most people, but he looks down on me for the fact that I'm just a little girl in his class who he thinks doesn't know more than him. well maybe I don't know more than him, but it's also possible that I do. I don't think it gives him the right to look down on me. So the thing is, on this event, this guy actually have the nerve to question the author. I could feel the author doesn't agree with his opinion. she developed this witty reply (sort of a question) that leaves the guy dumbstrucked into silence. from here you can understand my jealousy. I've battled this guy since the start of the year, and somehow I don't feel like my arguments ever have that effect on him. It just makes him want to argue more. It will never change the fact that in some degree this guy still looks down on me.

okay I might be a little bit carried away there... (just a bit). Anyway the point is, the idea of sharing my story, my opinion to a large group of people is attractive. It's something I would definitely want to do someday. I'm always expressive. I love to express my thoughts Ideas as much as I love listening other people's thoughts and Ideas. And sometimes I'm worried if I'm not good enough or whether other people would care about what I think. and maybe that's what leads the jealousy.

or maybe I'm just tired.