first day of the school year I made an excellent choice of staying back when everyone is racing to get their lockers. it wasn't much of a choice really. I was trying to adjust to the new heights created by my brand new shoes. heels was never my thing, but since it's my last year I considered that there is no use of buying normal ugly school shoes that I would never be used again during my lifetime, I decided to buy something I could wear with clothes that are not uniform. these ones are the only ones I can find. it made me 5cm taller. which was horrifying at the beginning. fortunately I got used to them. anyway back to the first day....
the others are racing down the path way, when people started to realise that the year coordinator was in fact behind us, and then he went left...
naturally as one of the students who are closer to the back I realise that sooner than those who are in the front. fast forward and I get to choose my locker before most people and got a perfect one, in the second row. top row is obviously out of reach (even with my heels). bottom row is where I was last year, to shorten the story I'll just say it was unpleasant. I was happy. also considering that a bench is located right behind me. it was almost perfect. the locker underneath mine remains vacant even now. it took me a few days to actually noticed the one occupying the locker above me.
before the locker-choosing session, the year coordinator made sure that tall people get top rows. that's clearly to avoid awkward positioning of short people in top lockers. so naturally I assume all top rows are tall. but after close observation, I realise that the dude occupying the locker above me is no taller than me. or at least me plus my heels. which means he can't hover over me and have to wait in turn to get to his locker. I found out that he's in my bio class. he has the type of eyes that change when he smiled. and he has the tendencies to awkwardly jiggle his hands or feet. I noticed that's quite common about boys. it's like they can't stop moving even for a second, some part of their body just has to be kept moving. I'm not saying it's bad though, sometimes I caught myself doing the same thing.
I also noticed he has quite a circle of friends. that's the annoying bit. he often stop, and socialize while in the middle of getting something in his locker. unfortunately, I'm usually waiting in line at the time. in it could take quite awhile. he would talk to someone, then went back to his locker, then talk to someone else. not realizing that we're actually not supposed to be in our locker between session 3 and 4 and it is very likely a teacher could pass by anytime. or that my next class is on the other side of the school and someone obviously does not enjoy being late. so that's where it all starts.
soon enough I solve that problem by going to the locker early, before him. then i started to realise something. his locker has a lock with a key. mine has combination lock. not just any combination lock though, it's the one that is usually used for baggages. the one that you have to arrange precisely and pull gently to unlock. the one that does not even make a sound. it's so soft and fragile that people like me has to be extra careful with it. having a lock like that I realise that it took me longer to open my locker than for him to open his. that's where the guilt started.
soon enough I get into the habit of arriving before him. which means he has to wait. which is a great opportunity for the guilt to build up. I started notice other stuff. I choose to use binders for everyone of my subjects, which means I have heaps of them. which means my locker is full. which means it takes longer to receive stuff. my bag is big. in previous years I use to put my bag in the bottom part of my locker which is bigger in volume. but this year I decided that it would be easier for me to be more organised if I use the space for my books. which means my squeezed bag has to fill the smaller space at the top. which means it took me longer to put it, or get it. not to mention inserting books or receiving them from the friggin bag. I also noticed how I have to turn the combination in order to lock it. which takes more time. everyday I tried my best to be faster. sometimes this does not end very well. and lets just say the scratches on my calculator are the product of that. but the guilt never goes away.
and it all happened today. friday. 2nd of march. before form assembly. I was in a hurry this morning that I forgot one major problem. I left an uneaten plum in my bag yesterday. it's still there. squashed. what the effect of that can be guessed. books, pencil case, everything. as a result I tried to unload most of the stuff in my bag so no more harm can be done, since I figure out I can't clean it until I get home. which means my bag is still full. which means it cant fit in the small space on top of my locker. which means it has to go with my books. which means it's gonna take me even more time to get stuff. 2 minutes after I started wrestling with my stuff I noticed a presence behind me. great. he's already waiting. great.
the guilt just builts up I decided to give up. I moved back and face him.
"you can go first"
he seems surprised.
"no no, you go"
hmm... gentleman rule. but I'm not having that.
"no, you can go"
"no it's okay you go first"
"no, you go"
we went on like that for quite awhile. until he sat on the bench. unmovable. gee talk about stubborn. I gave up and went back to my stuff. I took my book easily, lock my locker, step back, and move on with my business. the guilt was gone.
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